I lied right through my teeth today. The ironic thing is, I didn’t know it was a lie until the words came out of my mouth.

My friend was over as we watched our girls run around the backyard, talking about life, kids, hopes of working out sometime soon, the usual… and then it came out. “After 3 years, I finally feel comfortable in this phase of life as a mom,” I shared so smoothly while gripping my coffee mug. In fairness, my words were genuine, I have been feeling a new confidence the past few months and enjoying the freedom of contentment and self awareness it has brought me… but as I spoke the feelings out loud, there was a strange twinge of doubt in my heart.

My friend left and I continued our normal day. Nap for Naomi, a few tv shows for Penelope while I cleaned up the morning mess, some errands, an appointment, then finally dinner before bed. Passing the torch to Peter, I ran for the door, throwing on my running shoes without looking back. Before I could reach the street, the weight of my words earlier hit me like a panic attack. All I could think was, what bullshit, I will never be fully “comfortable” in my role as a mom until I am dead! At least then I will know their lives are in God’s hands only, not being tossed back and forth like a hot potato between me and the higher power.

The pressures of parenting are unmountable. Looking into the future is scary enough as an adult. When you add on the impending future of young, impressionable children… how can any of us be comfortable in our roles? I question every day if my parenting choices are best for my kids. I question every day if my lifestyle choice and career sacrifice is best for my kids.

So, what have I learned from my little white lie? Parenting is an up and down journey. One second you are on top feeling confident, the next, you are at the bottom begging for guidance. For my own sanity, I think I’ll continue “lying” to myself that I’ve got this business together, but when it comes to sharing it with the world… I won’t be so foolish!