I can’t close my eyes tight enough to envision a happy place. My 3 month old is fussing because she’s hungry from my low milk supply and my toddler is screaming because she wants my attention. I am never alone, but I stare out of my heavy eyes feeling empty. My body is tired and stretched. My brain is cluttered and cloudy. There’s a list of todos that seem impossible and I have pity on myself because even a 5 year old could get the list done faster and more efficient than I. This is not how I envisioned the magical world of parenthood. Who am I even? I could just sneak to the car and drive away… keep driving until…
I’m staring at my toddler as she cries and just realize she is holding a knife she found left on the kitchen table. This breaks my trans as I rush to her, grabbing the knife out of her naive hands. Did I just blackout for 10 minutes? In tears, I wonder how am I going to survive this self loathing pit.
REALITY – There it is – I’m back!
My normal self is disgusted with the version of me that just took over my body for the last few hours. How could I be so self absorbed? At least this wave was shorter than my last, that left me ghosting around for days.
This is my postpartum. It creeps up like a plague and I get lost in the darkness that overcomes all my joy and gratefulness. It is unexpected and unwelcome, but it IS REAL. Postpartum depression is never talked about, and more seemingly looked at as an exaggerated weakness… I started writing this in the moment as a last resort to my temporary pain. Reading it back, I am so frustrated and embarrassed of my lack of control, but that is postpartum in a nutshell.
Postpartum is not weakness, it is making me stronger!!! Some day, I will look back and miss these kid-filled days of emotional instability.
This diary is not asking for sympathy, but to let other moms know they are not alone. I’ve learned from other woman that postpartum comes in many different forms. It doesn’t matter if you are a stay at home mom or a working mom. Some feel depressed, some feel anxious, some feel extreme fatigue, and some feel no postpartum at all. If you or someone you know feel depressed, talk to your family or doctor. Heck, talk to a stranger on a park bench, or the mom next to you at Chick-fil-a. I can guarantee the’ve been in your shoes! Thank you so much Stephanie Kingston for capturing these real moments when I was pregnant with Naomi and thank you for your friendship.